I think I might have some of you fooled.
My life as a mother isn't perfect.
I don't wake up at 6 am everyday, do my hair and make up, put on a dress, and then an apron and start breakfast and laundry, as my perfect child sleeps in until 10 am. I don't pack my husband lunch every day and send him off with a kiss and a smile, with a perfectly clean house behind me. I don't have my child on a perfect napping schedule (which he follows, perfectly!). I don't always have dinner on the table, waiting for my husband to come home, with my child bathed and hair combed and in a neat and tidy outfit, playing happily on the floor by himself.
I've tried to tell some of you that my life just isn't that way! And I have proof.
Let me just tell you about a lovely thing called "today". Where life wasn't perfect. Mothering wasn't perfect. My child and my husband weren't perfect. My scheduling was far from perfect. (I am, however, in a dress. We'll call that coincidence.).
Zeek and I woke up at 9:45 (a full 2 hours after Skyler woke up by himself, made himself breakfast and lunch, and headed out the door). He played with his toys while I watched "Sing Off" and pulled some leftover liver and potatoes out of the fridge to warm up for breakfast (yum, right?). I fed myself and Zeek, who then began rubbing his eyes and alerted me that he was sleepy and ready for his morning nap (which regularly is 45 min - 1 hour after he first wakes up). I got him on the couch to nurse him to sleep (which regularly works within 10-15 minutes.). He nursed alright...which hurt like hell because sometime between last night and this morning, I must have developed a clogged duct. He nursed and squirmed and pushed away from me and wiggled for 45 minutes, before I finally decided I was going to put him in his crib to fall asleep because my poor clogged duct hurt too bad to have him squirming and pushing off of me. He cried in his crib for a good 15 minutes before I finally got him out because my head couldn't handle it anymore, because I've had a pounding headache for the last two days since starting my period again yesterday for the first time in 18 months. Awesome. I wrestled with him on my lap for another 1/2 hour before I realized that I needed to leave for a lunch date in 15-20 minutes. I layed him in his crib again because I HAD to jump in the shower. I took a fast 5 minute shower and peeked in on him. Still awake, staring at the ceiling. Good. At least he didn't fall asleep yet. Now hopefully he'll at least sleep in the car for the 1/2 hour drive over there. I quickly get dressed and go back to his room to get him. He's sleeping. ....... ........ No words.
Do I make a "good mom" decision here and cancel on the lunch so that Zeek can nap? ... Nah. It's his fault he wouldn't go to sleep. Since he just fell asleep, he should still sleep in the car ride there. So, I pack up the car quickly, go back to wake up Zeek (crying...), change his diaper and load him in the car.
*Sigh* I look at the clock and realize I'll be 5-10 minutes late. I should call them and tell them I'll be late. Where's my phone? Oh. It's in the trunk. Shoot. ... I decide to take the Wheatland Ferry over since it's more direct than going down south to West Salem, then back up north again to Bella Vie. I am driving on River Rd. before I realize "Oh yeah. Wheatland Ferry is on Wheatland Rd. Not River Rd..." I take the first left and get over to Wheatland. I *think* it's a right onto Wheatland to the ferry. I've only taken the ferry a couple times and never driven there myself. I go right. And drive for a long time. I almost turn around because I don't recognize where I'm at any more and figure I must've taken a wrong turn.
Skyler calls. With bluetooth in the Prius, I can answer even though the phone is in the trunk. "Hi honey." "What's wrong, babe?" I'm lost. I'm frustrated. Zeek isn't sleeping. I'm going to be late to lunch. "I can't find Wheatland Ferry." He gives me directions but assumes I'm on the other side of the river so I am not understanding him. I see the sign for the ferry and flustered, tell him nevermind. I pull up as the ferry is just pulling away from my side of the river, so I park and wait. He asks me if I got his text that morning that he needed me to meet him at the mechanic at 1:30. *Sigh* yeah I did. But I'm already heading to lunch late, so it might be more like 2...is that okay? After a round about answer...no. It's not okay - we have to take it there at 1:30. I'm starting to drop tears at this point. I quickly decide that lunch isn't worth it because I'm going to be 20 minutes late and only able to be there for 35 minutes then. I turn the car around. Skyler tells me I should still go, even if for a little bit. I start crying. I already pulled out of line, now there's 7 more cars and I'd have to wait twice for the ferry to come back and I'd be even later. I'm going home. My lasagna that I made was a waste. Skyler's having a business dinner tonight. I'll have to eat the pretty lasagna alone. I hang up with Skyler. I call Bella Vie and tell Patricia I won't be making it in. Poor Patricia thinks something is actually wrong. No. I'm just having a mental breakdown. A few minutes later, Skyler calls back. He says we can take the car to the mechanic tomorrow and that I should go to Bella Vie still... I'm almost home now. I'd be 50 minutes late, if I turn around now. No, I'm going home.
*sigh*. It's now 4:45 and I still have a headache, my chest still hurts, and I'm tired.
On the flip side, Zeek just took an hour nap and I can hear him babbling in the other room now, waking up. He's happy and rested. He has no idea today was a rotten day for me. He has no idea it wasn't "perfect". He got sleep, cuddles with mom, play time with dad. In his mind, today probably was perfect. And that's all that I have to remember on these days where I feel like a failure. Even if nothing went right, as long as Zeek thinks it's a good day, then I did good enough.
Looking forward to enjoying my tomorrow.
Love, K
